Seeing a shadow part clearly enough that it no longer drives you. Nev's marker for it is how much charge you can hold when triggered: neutrality versus reactivity.
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- From turbulent reactivity to neutrality
Nev says she began her journey very turbulent and reactive in romantic relationships and friendships, set off 'at the drop of a dime' by comments. After years of shadow work, conflicts now…
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An integrated person is not a person who simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life. He's a person who feels all these things but has no recrimination against himself for feeling them.
What is repressed and suppressed is the most harmful for us. That which we bring out into the light, and that we actually look at with our two eyes and we consciously acknowledge, is so much less of a big deal. ... Once it gets brought into the light, it just dissolves.
- Naming what's repressed dissolves it
What stays repressed does the most harm. Saying it out loud and looking at it directly makes it far lighter, which is why talking openly about sexual shame brings breakthroughs.
- Neutrality under triggers measures integration
How reactive you are when triggered shows how much of your shadow is unintegrated. An integrated person doesn't need to react or project; they make a simple yes-or-no choice based on their…
- The shadow doesn't leave; it becomes an ally
Integration doesn't remove the shadow. Your relationship to it changes until you can 'give a wink' to each other. Like Murakami's well, the darkness stays the same but stops being…
- Use trigger reactivity as a gauge
When triggered in a relationship, notice whether you react and project or stay neutral. Strong reactivity marks an unintegrated shadow to explore. In conflict, reduce the decision to a…
Once you confront it and you actually take a look directly into it, it no longer holds power over you. You actually now wield it rather than it wielding you.