Squamish, BC based entrepreneur, former cinematographer, and men's wellness facilitator who runs men's groups and retreats and uses shadow work to help people overcome lifelong obstacles. Tamir met him at a day retreat Ian facilitated.
Where it appears 3
how fear disguises as logicMen's work facilitator who grew up with severe Tourette's and OCD, saw his life fall apart in his mid-twenties, and rebuilt it through retreats, mentors and men's groups. He has logged nearly 300 hours of in-person retreats and now guides men through inner work, which he describes as remembering who you are rather than becoming someone new.
don't pretend you aren't confusedTamir's friend who runs business masterminds and wellness meetups for entrepreneurs in Squamish; the setting of Tamir's 'everything is negotiable' story.
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- Everything is negotiable
At an entrepreneur wellness meetup in Squamish, everyone shared morning routines and 'non-negotiables': river dips, runs, special drinks. When his turn came, Tamir said 'everything is…
- Meeting Ian at a forest retreat
Tamir drove to a day retreat Ian facilitated, a cold plunge, sauna, and meditation facility 30 minutes into a valley outside Squamish with no cell service, realizing too late he hadn't told…
Stories told
- Ian's Gollum shadow at a retreat
A year and a half earlier Ian noticed a grasping, needy energy with clients (over-following-up, feeling owed). At a retreat he traced it to an unmet childhood need, shaped it into a…
- Four days without Instagram
A couple of weeks earlier Ian deleted Instagram from his phone for about four days and felt his brain 'hunting' for it every day, an internal battle that showed him how habitual the pull…
- From dirtbag climber to men's work
Five or six years earlier Ian was moving across the country as a 'dirtbag climber' trying to make money as a photographer. His life had to collapse into chaos before he joined a men's…
- Ian launches his first men's group
After four years in men's groups as a private part of his own growth, Ian felt called this summer to launch his own in Squamish, driven by seeing men struggle in silence with work, money…
- Ian's Tourette's, OCD and collapse
Ian grew up with a 'very dysfunctional nervous system', severe Tourette's and OCD, and a lot of shame. In his mid-twenties his life crumbled, and he realized he had no tools to regulate…
- Nervous before men's night
Before his last men's group in Squamish, Ian felt nervous and noticed the countless ways he could avoid the feeling (Instagram, YouTube, food, Netflix, podcasts, music) when what was needed…
- Resistance while cooking dinner
The day before, frustrated in his kitchen that his content wasn't reaching enough people, Ian recognized it as his 'mat': he closed his eyes and said aloud that he was in resistance and…
- The unplanned podcast studio
Ian points out that Tamir never planned the studio they're sitting in. He followed an impulse to set up an office and studio, and it became the most booked-out studio in the city. Tamir…
- Ian's wife's 'If' tattoo
When Tamir brings up Kipling's 'If—', Ian shares that his wife has an 'If' tattoo and has the whole poem memorized.
- Planning 75 Hard around a cross-country flight
Ian plans to keep 75 Hard going on a Squamish-to-Halifax trip via Montreal: an airport hotel, a 5:30am outdoor walk, a 45-minute session in the airport, and packed healthy sandwiches. Early…
- The painful run after leg day
The day after heavy squats, Ian dreaded his run, and his calves and legs felt horrible. Mid-run he reminded himself that the days he flies only feel great because of runs like this one. If…
- Dad meditating with his son
Ian has seen videos of a dad meditating with his eight-year-old son and predicts the boy will grow up successful because he is learning to calm his breath and nervous system.
Words spoken
- Moment-by-moment yoga
Treat everyday frustration as the mat: when resistance arises, close your eyes and say aloud 'I'm in resistance, I'm wanting things to be different than they are, I'm being impatient', then…
- Die complete tonight
Ask each day: what would I need to do today so I could die complete tonight? Orient the arc of the day around those few things. Ian's answer: undivided presence with his wife, time in…
- Resistance, not desire, creates suffering
Ian disagrees that desire causes suffering: you can hold massive desire as long as you're not dependent on reaching it; the suffering comes from resisting what is.
The sooner that you can accept that, you can start to integrate it, and you can start to be like a friend to it, start to become friends with the devil.
People would rather choose familiar pain than step into that unknown.
- Embodying your shadow
In a group, describe a shadow trait, give it a character's shape, then deliberately become it for about 60 seconds, improv-style; returning to a normal stance afterward leaves you feeling…
All I'm doing is creating suffering. Pain plus resistance equals suffering.
Anxiety softens when you face it. You don't need to cold plunge your way through trauma.
It's about not trying to make it go away. Bring the devil with you, because we are that. That's how you create wholeness.
- Compassion only comes from accepting everything
You can't decide to be more compassionate or confident; self-acceptance only becomes real when you accept all of yourself, including the parts you're ashamed of.
Men claim to be logical thinkers. And I say, you're not a logical thinker. You are crippled by fear and you're disguising it as analytical.
If my head were to hit the pillow tonight, lights were out, that was it. What would I have to do today so that I could die complete tonight?
- Everyone wants the same few things
Across religion, background, and ethnicity, people want connection, love, purpose, impact, and fulfillment; organizing into competing traditions perpetuates duality.
It's a remembering process. It's not about becoming something that you're not. It's about coming back to who you truly are.
- Make devotional offerings of art
Assignment from Ian's coach: find ways to make art and give it to the world without needing recognition, e.g. build inukshuks by the ocean or play guitar with the windows open to fill the…
Massive amounts of desire, complete non-attachment. I think that's the only way.
- Modern life rewards us with the opposite of what we need
We need more space, silence, and nature, yet we're drowned in noise and offered an endless menu of distractions to avoid feeling discomfort and uncertainty.
- Naming your shadow
Give your shadow a name (e.g. 'Brad') so when the neediness or compulsion arises you can greet it, 'Hey Brad, I see you', rather than mask the discomfort.
Nobody's mad at the CEO of Costco because Costco is not demanding six hours of your time every single day.
Now you're not attached to an outcome, you're committed to a process of service, and that will leave you feeling far more fulfilled than any car, any religion, any climb to the top of a mountain.
- Orient your life around serving
Get clear on the few things you truly care about and commit to the process of serving them (e.g. giving your partner utmost presence regardless of how they respond), rather than to an…
- Personal growth happens in the moment, not on the cushion
Real growth isn't the 30 minutes of morning reading or meditation; it's catching a thought or feeling of resistance as it arises in the kitchen and choosing to let go.
That's not logical thinking. That's not being analytical. That's ping-ponging between fear and doubt.
Stop trying to make the bad days good and stop living too much in the good days, and just allow yourself to be with the full experience of life.
- Suppressing the shadow costs more than facing it
It takes more energy to keep the darker parts of ourselves buried than to bring them into the light, and those unexamined parts drive the very behaviors we're trying to stop.
All of that crap that's being shoved into the basement is not yours. It was taught to you, it was modeled to you, things happened to you.
The highest form of self-respect is sit down and just give yourself 10 minutes to be with yourself every day in your breath, and just see what happens.
What would I need to do today so that I could die complete tonight?
- Write your own eulogy
Skip the self-help books, sit for an hour and write what you want people to say about you when you die, then derive what you must do every day to build that legacy, and do it.
You don't need more podcasts, you don't need more books, you don't need more strategy. What you need is compassion for yourself.
What you're doing is you're constructing your own prison cell, and you're giving the key away.
- Achievement without vision leaves men empty
Men who strive for money and bigger houses without ever pausing to ask what they want their life to feel like often arrive at 40 or 50 feeling empty; the problem is not ambition but the…
- Closing off the lows closes off the highs
The highs feel good because the lows feel low; mask and distract from the losses and you also lose the capacity to experience the wins, and refusing to play at all is dying at 30.
- Create space to discover what you want
If you don't know what you care about, don't reach for more books: go into nature, walk, remove noise and distraction, and allow yourself to discover what you want to do here and what you…
- Even the most masculine men made art
Ancestral hunters danced, drummed, and recited poetry around the fire; the artistic, devotional side of masculinity has withered, and modern men have lost touch with their ability to create.
There's no such thing as being good at yoga, because no matter how flexible they are, there's always a deeper layer that they can get into.
- Practice gratitude and letting go
Gratitude and letting go feel dumb or empty at first; practiced repeatedly they become tools available to you.
- Sit with the trigger instead of masking
When you notice a shadow pattern (e.g. neediness when a partner is away), name it to yourself and sit with it rather than reaching for a cigarette, your phone, or a book on attachment…
Like you go to physio. That hour that you're there, that's not where the injury is healed. It's when you're doing your exercises at home for 15 minutes three times a day.
The only Zen you find at the top of the mountain is the Zen that you bring with you.
Choose your struggle or you'll be assigned one.
- Death and deathbed visualizations
Guided meditations Ian runs with his men's groups: facing death, picturing yourself in the hospital bed in your last moments (who is around you, what they say), and imagining what cards…
- Peace is not waiting at the summit
If you don't prioritize spaciousness and peace in daily life, you won't magically find it on the hike or at the top of the mountain.