Shadow is one of the themes that runs through Nectar of Time. Below is everything in the Nectarium that touches on it.
Where it comes up 10
Within this theme 61
Concepts 14
- Shadow work
Jungian practice of bringing the repressed, denied, or avoided parts of the psyche into the open and meeting them with compassion rather than trying to eradicate them; the core of Ian's…
- Shadow Integration
Seeing a shadow part clearly enough that it no longer drives you. Nev's marker for it is how much charge you can hold when triggered: neutrality versus reactivity.
- Existential Kink
The idea that we create and secretly 'get off on' our own suffering because we gain something from it, and that humans want the dark and the grungy as much as the light. Nev says that once…
- Shadow Self
Jung's term for the suppressed part of the psyche, shaped by fear, shame and social rejection. Nev says it 'desperately wants to be integrated' and keeps showing up as mirrors in the…
- The Shadow
Jung's term for the disowned parts of us, usually formed in childhood when a need wasn't met; Ian equates it with Watts's 'devil' and argues suppressing it costs more energy than bringing…
- Love's dark side
The episode's title question. Tamir argues love is as dangerous as it is beautiful (Paris and Helen, thorns on the rose). Sheela says the darkness comes from doubt and judgment: we 'cancel'…
- Distortion of Intuition
Tamir's biggest fear: that his intuition could be distorted so that he betrays his fate in his short life. Nev says a strong unintegrated shadow produces 'intuitive hits' that are really…
- Magic Theater
The mysterious theater in Steppenwolf ('for madmen only, price of admittance your mind') with countless doors, each opening onto what the seeker is looking for. Tamir uses it as a symbol…
- Murakami's Well
Murakami's recurring image of protagonists ending up in a well, which Tamir reads as a portal into the unknown and the shadow side. It is frightening at first, but with repeated visits it…
- Intergenerational Patterns
Patterns, beliefs and shame passed down a family line. Nev went to the Balkans to understand hers, and says shadow work includes these inherited layers.
- Triggers
Colin's point that even the calmest, most authentic or most religious people have a trigger that turns them in an instant. Tamir asks whether people who hide their triggers through…
- Projection
Seeing and blaming in others what we can't see in ourselves. Nev says unintegrated shadows make people more reactive and more prone to projection, as when someone blames avoidant partners…
- Irreducible Rascality
Alan Watts's phrase for the mischievous, never fully tamed element Jung recognized in himself. It showed as a 'twinkle in his eye', and Watts saw it as a sign of real integration rather…
- Righteous Indignation
Tamir admits that triggers and anger can feel valuable, like safe havens. We cling to righteous indignation and don't want to let it go.
Books 4
- The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Grant loves the opening (which grew from a short story) but quit caring once the narrator sits in a well and astral-projects, which he calls cheating.
- Steppenwolf
Grant calls it fantastic but 'dripping in imagery', in contrast with the sparing imagery of Japanese prose.
- Meeting the Shadow
A collection of essays subtitled 'The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature', which Tamir holds up while asking Sheela whether love has a dark side. She says she doesn't think in…
- Dracula
Read in Grant's university literature class.
People 4
- Nevena
Nevena (Nev), Instagram @iamnevenag, is a Toronto-raised shadow worker and guide of Serbian/Balkan descent who works mostly with women. She combines shadow work with nervous-system…
- Carl Jung
Swiss psychiatrist; Tamir says Hesse and Jung were neighbours and friends, which shows in Hesse's work, as an example of novelists absorbing non-fiction knowledge.
- Conor McGregor
Tamir's example of how success and ego erode hunger: monk-like dedication early on, then whiskey and losses.
- Elon Musk
Tamir's example of a figure many people describe as chaotic. He uses it to ask whether people who wreak havoc in their own sphere share a source with those drawn into extremism.
Quotes 17
An integrated person is not a person who simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life. He's a person who feels all these things but has no recrimination against himself for feeling them.
What is repressed and suppressed is the most harmful for us. That which we bring out into the light, and that we actually look at with our two eyes and we consciously acknowledge, is so much less of a big deal. ... Once it gets brought into the light, it just dissolves.
Everything was unchanged... and at the same time everything had changed.
You feel like your trigger is valuable and you don't want to let them go. They're like infinity stones of trauma or something that you're holding in your gauntlet.
Tonight at the Magic Theater, for madmen only, price of admittance, your mind, not for everybody.
If you're creating structures that cannot be touched, that's where the shadow is going to hide. And it knows you're not going to be able to go in.
Everybody has a justification. Anger is its own justification.
It's about not trying to make it go away. Bring the devil with you, because we are that. That's how you create wholeness.
Looking at your darkness is the source of your greatest power. Looking into those voids, into the unknown, into those patterns, whatever it is, it will give you so much power. It will push you to evolve as a human being.
When you find out your existential kink and everyone's existential kink, it's no longer dark. It becomes fun. You can play with it because now you see yourself and you're not owned by that shadow any longer.
Nothing in this life should be taken at face value.
The only way to really purify that intuition is to sometimes make the mistake of listening to something that you were convinced is your intuition and end up so tied up, realizing it's your shadow self only after the fact.
There's so much in us that's been shamed, that's been rewarded and punished, not because of any real metric of morality and what's good and bad, but rather just because of someone's distortion or the way that somebody's life ended up. There's no real sense behind it.
When you're angry you don't have to think, and you don't have to admit fault. The self-righteousness is an easy exit off the highway: you're a dick, so I don't have to deal with you, goodbye.
It seems to me from my research and personal experience that love is dangerous as much as it's beautiful. There are thorns on the rose for a reason.
We are actually oftentimes, and I would say all of the time, the root cause of our own suffering. And I would take it a step even further to say that we actually get off on our own suffering.
Once you confront it and you actually take a look directly into it, it no longer holds power over you. You actually now wield it rather than it wielding you.
Insights 13
- Neutrality under triggers measures integration
How reactive you are when triggered shows how much of your shadow is unintegrated. An integrated person doesn't need to react or project; they make a simple yes-or-no choice based on their…
- The shadow doesn't leave; it becomes an ally
Integration doesn't remove the shadow. Your relationship to it changes until you can 'give a wink' to each other. Like Murakami's well, the darkness stays the same but stops being…
- Untouchable rules give the shadow shelter
Moral structures that can't be questioned, such as rigidly held religious law, are exactly where the shadow hides, because it knows you won't go in. Religion, like the shadow, has to be…
- A loud shadow masquerades as intuition
The stronger your unintegrated shadow, the more easily you get 'intuitive hits' that are really the shadow pushing to surface. Clear intuition is earned by acting, getting it wrong, and…
- Find the payoff in your suffering
Suffering we insist is 'outside of me' is often suffering we create because we get something from it. Naming that payoff, your existential kink, takes away its darkness and turns it into…
- No one can integrate your shadow for you
Repression runs unconsciously and protects itself, so shadow work can't be forced. The person has to be fully willing and, above all, feel safe, or the mind won't open.
- Shame often reflects caregivers' dysregulation
Much of what we were punished or praised for as children reflected our caregivers' stress and dysregulated nervous systems, not real morality. The unconscious still treats those rules as…
- Stated reasons differ from real motives
Every behavior has a conscious explanation and a hidden aim. In people who haven't done the inner work, these almost always differ, and the hidden aim usually comes down to avoiding…
- Suppressing a trigger isn't the same as not having one
People who seem to have no triggers may just be disciplined at not retaliating. They might earn social merit, but if they feel the same thing inside and hide it, it's partly inauthentic.
- Terrorists who walk among us
Many people 'terrorize' their families, workplaces or industries without making the news, out of the same troubled roots as extremists: a repressed or badly integrated shadow. Logan agrees…
- There's no redemption without the trough
Deliverance only means something because there is terror, suffering and malice to be delivered from, which may be why darkness in films and literature pulls at us.
- What you attract mirrors what you deny
Painful experiences that keep recurring are mirrors of a repressed self that wants to be integrated. The trait you blame in a partner is often the one you can't see in yourself.
- Your flaws can be harnessed
Not every idiosyncrasy you think is bad is bad. Admit and accept parts of your character you always knew about, and you may be able to harness them to become a better person for yourself.
Practices 3
- Ask what you gain from your suffering
Take a recurring suffering you call unwanted and ask 'the questions nobody wants to ask': what do I stand to receive from this, and why might I be creating it? Finding the answer shows you…
- Naming your shadow
Give your shadow a name (e.g. 'Brad') so when the neediness or compulsion arises you can greet it, 'Hey Brad, I see you', rather than mask the discomfort.
- Use trigger reactivity as a gauge
When triggered in a relationship, notice whether you react and project or stay neutral. Strong reactivity marks an unintegrated shadow to explore. In conflict, reduce the decision to a…
Stories 5
- Women who call in avoidant partners
Nev describes a pattern she often sees in clients. A woman says she is fully open to love but keeps attracting emotionally avoidant partners. Underneath, unresolved trauma has closed her…
- From turbulent reactivity to neutrality
Nev says she began her journey very turbulent and reactive in romantic relationships and friendships, set off 'at the drop of a dime' by comments. After years of shadow work, conflicts now…
- Hair-pull trigger
Colin's one trigger is having his hair pulled. A friend joking around got him in a headlock and pulled his hair; Colin hit him with an uppercut and broke his jaw, and felt terrible…
- Tamir's Nosferatu night and dark tastes
Tamir recalls seeing Nosferatu in a theater and finding its possession and madness strangely appealing. He jokes that he is a masochist because he loves the discomfort of endurance sports…
- Mistaking the shadow for intuition
Nev, who calls herself extremely intuitive, says that early in her journey she often acted on 'intuitive hits' that turned out to be her shadow speaking. She only realized afterward, after…
Films, music and art 1
- Nosferatu
The 2024 Dracula film, which Tamir saw in a theater. The existential-kink idea calls up its imagery for him: possession, a pilgrimage to sign one's life away, madness. He wonders why such…