Honest criticism versus polite, piled-on agreement.
Where it comes up 12
Within this theme 106
Concepts 25
- Remembering Process
Ian's framing of inner work: not becoming something you're not but coming back to who you truly are, the self from before conditioning, trauma and stress piled up.
- Self-help as veneer
Tamir argues that people obsessed with self-awareness books, courses and seminars can be more inauthentic than everyone else, because each one adds another veneer and another layer of…
- Sincerity vs Seriousness
From Alan Watts' jester: meet life's obstacles sincerely, with respect, but don't take them so seriously that they drown you.
- Grifter vs. True Believer
The question behind Troll: does a ranting online personality really believe it, or is he farming engagement? Logan imagined a provocateur who is completely neutral on the issues and uses…
- Life as Performance
Goffman's idea that in public we play roles and wear masks, knowing others do the same, and take them off at home. Logan argues the internet amplifies this and removes the backstage, so we…
- Cutting People Off
Tamir's critique of treating cutting people out of your life as progress. Bypassing the conversation to protect yourself is avoidance, not growth; it's fine to cut someone off after they've…
- Private Confession
Troll is threaded with Peter Riley's confession. Tamir proposes confession as a practice of honesty that leads to self-absolution. Logan contrasts the performed public apology with the…
- Trope-Driven Writing
Logan's critique of young writers who learned storytelling from video games and anime more than literature, then assemble books from trope checklists and even market them that way. The…
- Compromising vs adapting
Colin's distinction, from Tamir's car-music story: playing music a passenger likes is adapting, a kind gesture from someone who knows what they're doing. Losing your own preferences to…
- Uniqueness as a thumbprint of flaws and talents
Tamir's thesis: uniqueness is made of your talents, special skills, and special mistakes and imperfections. Pure talent is boring and pure imperfection doesn't exist. Hiding that thumbprint…
- Fake It Till You Make It
The performance of everything going perfectly in self-improvement and entrepreneur circles; Tamir says he values truth over it, and Tyler hears the same from customers in law and banking.
- Hustle Culture
The grind ethos (no sleep, no days off, sell, sell) that Tamir says has infected entrepreneurship. He supports deep dedication to a craft you truly choose, but not because someone told you…
- Kintsugi
The Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics with gold. Tamir's intro uses it as an image of authenticity: imperfections are 'the true hallmarks of beauty' and asymmetry is magical.
- Refraction vs reflection
Tamir's framework for self-knowledge. Friends, who are often just as messed up as you, give you refractions: your situation bent through their filters and biases. What you need is a mirror…
- Triggers
Colin's point that even the calmest, most authentic or most religious people have a trigger that turns them in an instant. Tamir asks whether people who hide their triggers through…
- Canadian Agreeableness
Grant's observation that Canadians pile on agreement and tacit approval, which he finds suspicious and insincere, as in creative writing workshops where only praise is welcome.
- Comedy removes the veil of seriousness
Tamir defines comedy as discussing the serious business while removing the veil of seriousness to see what it really is. It ties to Watts's 'pretentious nonsense' dissolving in laughter and…
- Mental Ponzi scheme
Tamir's phrase, which Colin adopts, for hierarchies in religion, philosophy and self-awareness groups. Climbing them means hitting more checklists and keeping up more appearances, so the…
- Preemptive agreement
One of Tamir's pet peeves: people agreeing with a statement before it's finished, a kind of tacit approval that shows they aren't listening. You don't know whether the sentence will end in…
- Realism vs Pessimism
Tamir reframes Grant's 'pessimism' as realism: piercing facades and showing what is, when people prefer the truth with a mask on top.
- Resolve as the ultimate test
Tamir's view that the ultimate test of any model of self-improvement is resolve in the real world. In sales you find out very quickly whether a book you read actually makes a difference.
- Verbal diarrhea people
Colin's sales slang ('VD people') for those who talk endlessly and never act. His test is the old line that you judge a tree by the fruit it bears.
- Age of imitators
Tamir's description of today's culture: copying influencers and collecting their 'artifacts' in the hope of becoming them. He contrasts it with Sheela's insistence that she never imitated…
- NPC
A non-playing character. Tamir uses it for people who hide their uniqueness and never make an impact on anyone.
- People pleasing
Tamir groups it with validation-seeking and approval-seeking as the opposite of authenticity: calibrating your words to suit the other person until only a mask comes out.
Books 9
- If—
Poem Tamir quotes ('meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same'); Ian's wife has an 'If' tattoo and knows the whole poem by heart.
- Slaughterhouse-Five
The only Vonnegut novel Colin has read, and one he loves. What he takes from it is how the protagonist, despite the firebombing of Dresden, learns to make friends in the course of the story.
- This Is It
Alan Watts's essay collection 'This Is It and Other Essays on Zen and Spiritual Experience'. Tamir reads its preface aloud: it argues that the spiritual can't be separated from the…
- No Longer Human
Dazai's quasi-memoir about a man who clowns, drinks and ends in a double suicide. Tamir likes it; Grant finds it too self-indulgent and without desire.
- The Flowers of Buffoonery
Dazai's novella about a man recovering in a sanatorium after a failed double suicide. Tamir notes it was written before No Longer Human yet works as its sequel and has a more hopeful tone.
- Galápagos
Vonnegut novel Tamir brought to the recording as one of his favorites. He offers it as an example of Vonnegut's flawed, hubristic characters, the kind of imperfection that makes people…
- Invictus
Poem whose closing lines ('I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul') Tamir quotes as one of the 'sources of truth' Sheela embodies.
- Masks (poem)
Short poem (from Falling Up) about two people with blue skin who each hide it, search their whole lives for another blue person, and pass right by each other. It is used to show what we…
- The Sirens of Titan
Vonnegut novel Tamir brought to the recording alongside Galápagos, both among his favorites. It illustrates characters so flawed they seem almost alien.
People 10
- Tamir Barzilai
Host of the Nectar of Time podcast; in this second official episode he shares his own path back into fiction via a pandemic book club and Haruki Murakami.
- Colin Gerrard
UK-born entrepreneur who built companies and led sales teams around the world (Belgium, the UK, sourcing in China). He also directed the award-winning short film 'Eli', made the earlier…
- Alan Watts
British-American popularizer of Eastern philosophy; Tamir cites his lecture on the court jester about taking life sincerely rather than seriously.
- Kurt Vonnegut
American novelist and one of Grant's favourite authors; Grant saw him speak in Toronto in the 1990s. Cited for saying reading was his version of meditation, and (by Tamir) for his talk on…
- Franz Kafka
Tamir asks whether Kafka's absurdity parallels their talk of enigmas. Tyler describes Kafka as crippled by his father yet turning pain into art, a 'special species of happiness', and says…
- Dwayne Johnson
Colin's example of someone with a trigger who still rolls with the joke. On Ellen, Kevin Hart teased him and he shot back a punchline instead of losing it. Colin also loves his movie line…
- Elizabeth Holmes
Colin calls her the antithesis of authenticity: she went around telling everyone how authentic she was, everyone believed in her, and she ended up with an 11-year prison sentence. Tamir…
- UK TikTok mobility coach
Unnamed man on TikTok in the UK who helps children with cerebral palsy or brain injuries take a couple of steps. He uses swearing, no-kid-gloves encouragement, and makes them feel that two…
- Jiddu Krishnamurti
20th-century sage whose parable of the devil and the dropped truth Tamir tells to illustrate how organizing truth into religion and dogma obscures it.
- Peloton cycling instructor
An exercise instructor on bikes, whose name Colin doesn't know. He finds her more genuinely motivating than motivational speakers because she isn't hyping people up; she's visibly working…
Quotes 23
I wouldn't mind feeling so sad if I knew how to meme it better. Honestly, I think that's probably why I get so sad in the first place.
We're so used to putting so much of ourselves out there that for people to step back and say, I'm just going to be with myself for a minute and my thoughts and my confessions, totally detached from everybody else, is not something that a lot of people even see the purpose in doing. It's like if it's not on the internet, it doesn't exist.
At the end of the day it's kind of like a paint by numbers. You're creating this picture, but it doesn't really have your signature on it.
Whatever you do, don't lie, Colin. Just don't lie, 'cause you'll get caught at some point.
I didn't do it for you, Colin. I did it for myself.
The three most important words I ever learned was 'I don't know.'
Today's episode is about authenticity. That is to say, today's episode is about imperfections, the true hallmarks of beauty. These blemishes are insignia of the sublime.
It's a remembering process. It's not about becoming something that you're not. It's about coming back to who you truly are.
That's the ultimate litmus test for me: in order to judge a tree, you have to judge it by the fruit that it bears.
Have those masks become grafted to our face in such a way where removing them is not as easy as it used to be in a pre-connected world?
Sincerity is authenticity. It's understanding what's going on in a lighter way, not in this heavy, fake, pretentious type of way.
Sometimes the smallest achievements can be the greatest. And I think tough love is better than fake love at the end of the day.
People don't like to necessarily see the truth. They like their version of the truth: the truth plus the mask that goes on top of the truth, and that's more palatable.
It's interesting when you have your own thumbprint of your mistakes, your talents, your attributes. But when you hide that, that becomes a problem.
If you get something great sometimes, just shut up about it. You don't have to jump on social media and tell the whole planet.
No matter how lofty people feel, whether it's a politician or a religious person, the fact is you're still a human being. You haven't changed the DNA of the human race at all.
People hide their imperfections. Social media, you hide your imperfections. Authenticity is about showing your imperfections and continuing to be yourself despite your imperfections.
Spirituality is a fashion in the moment. But one doesn't have to follow old fashion. You create your own fashion... And don't compare yourself to others. You are you, others are others, and both are individuals.
Do it for yourself. Say it for yourself. Act like it for yourself. You don't have to piss anybody off along the way. Just do your own thing.
I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party and I attended with my real face.
The answer is bespoke. It's tailored. It's customized. It's a thumbprint for you and you only.
The truer confession, the one you're talking about, is maybe the one that nobody sees. It's the one that you're writing for yourself.
What we truly want competes with what we're taught to want. But in the dream world we don't have as much access to what the conscious mind has been taught to want. We just get to want what we really want.
Insights 16
- Actions speak louder than words
Your authenticity as a human being lies in what you do, not what you say. Colin thinks this old truth matters more now than at any time in history.
- Ask 'What about me?'
Relationships and lives fall apart, sometimes ending in divorce ten years later, when people forget to ask 'what about me?' Asking what you yourself want is the start of being real.
- Tough love beats fake love
Honest, unvarnished encouragement does more than gentle pretense. It can make someone feel that taking two steps is incredible, and sometimes the smallest achievements are the greatest.
- Borrowed wisdom as a battery
Classical quotes work as batteries that power whatever idea they are plugged into. Influencers must then cross a line to set themselves apart from the thousands of others quoting Marcus…
- Suppressing a trigger isn't the same as not having one
People who seem to have no triggers may just be disciplined at not retaliating. They might earn social merit, but if they feel the same thing inside and hide it, it's partly inauthentic.
- The highest influence doesn't proselytize
Alan Watts never tried to convert anyone; he stated things as they are and let people be enchanted. Being secure enough not to care whether someone converts is the pinnacle of influence.
- The mask can be mistaken for the self
Kids who grow up online are sometimes taught that the mask they wear is their authentic self. When those lines blur, the result is the widespread confusion about identity and belonging we…
- Unanimous agreement is suspicious
A culture where everyone piles on agreement hides honest disapproval; growth as an artist requires welcoming criticism, even when it hurts the ego.
- Visions gotten from outside are a problem
'Makers of Empire' starts with vision lying within the soul; if you're getting your visions exogenously, from the culture, that's a problem.
- Your flaws can be harnessed
Not every idiosyncrasy you think is bad is bad. Admit and accept parts of your character you always knew about, and you may be able to harness them to become a better person for yourself.
- Authentic complainers are more likeable than optimizers
Tamir would rather have a friend who is authentic and speaks from the heart but isn't on a track to success than someone optimizing every area of life, who may 'recalibrate around you' and…
- Sacrifice for your craft, not theirs
Being great at something does require intense sacrifice, but only make it for a craft you truly want, not because someone told you to grind. Have an honest conversation with yourself about…
- Some masks are a service
A deliberately chosen mask that does no net harm and benefits you and others has its place, like a doctor's bedside manner or a pilot who doesn't joke about crashing. The danger starts when…
- Your own character is the best influence
Asked which book, film or person shaped her outside Osho's teachings, Sheela names only 'my own character': she did her thing and never imitated. Tamir contrasts this with an age of…
- Openness creates higher-fidelity conversations
Not hiding anything, even something as small as admitting to Botox when asked, builds trust and makes conversations higher fidelity. In sales too, connecting with people means openness, not…
- Optimize without lying to yourself
Routines and self-optimization are good, even critical. The problem starts when you lie to yourself and others that everything goes perfectly every day; truth beats fake-it-till-you-make-it.
Practices 5
- Write down what you want
Colin's first step toward authenticity for someone with no support around them. Take pen and paper and write down what you want in life and what would make you happy, even something as…
- Create your own spirituality, don't compare
Don't envy meditators or follow spiritual fashion. Take care of your own responsibilities and the desires you need to fulfill, don't compare yourself to others, and let spiritual people 'be…
- List what you won't compromise on
Write down, or just think through, the things you care about and won't compromise on. Being secure in them, such as playing your own album and offering theirs next time, is what makes you…
- Say 'I don't know'
When you don't know something, such as who Alan Watts is, say so instead of pretending. Colin calls 'I don't know' the three most important words he ever learned.
- Write a confession no one will see
Write a confession for yourself only, not for an audience or anyone's expectations. Tamir adds that you should list how you have 'metaphorically shot' innocent bystanders through what you…
Stories 14
- Learning to talk to himself
As he gets older, Colin is admitting things about his character that he always knew but never owned, and he is accepting and even embracing them. He has started talking to himself and…
- SAS soldiers wearing American flags
Colin recounts an interview with a Navy SEAL who, as a newcomer, saw British SAS soldiers in the chow line wearing American flags. Asked why, they said, 'You've got to blame it on somebody…
- Car music on dates
In his twenties Tamir always switched the car music to whatever the woman he was driving liked. An article made him ask why he was bending over backwards, and whether she might want to know…
- Isaac's ironed shirt
A young employee who always had the worst luck came to work one day in a crisp, ironed shirt and tie. When Colin, his boss, complimented him, he snapped, 'I didn't do it for you, did I?'…
- Million-dollar number one single
Colin overheard two men at Soho House in Los Angeles: 'Give me a million bucks, I'll give you a number one single.' He thinks they're right and that the music industry is about money, which…
- Motivating people by knowing them
Colin says daily 'sell, sell, sell' meetings are the worst thing you can do, because you don't know what motivates each person. Some of his staff did brilliantly after he screamed at them…
- Packaging costlier than the product
When Colin sourced products in China, some ended up with packaging that cost more than the product itself. He says nice curtains are fine, but with no structure behind them you're building…
- The London Drugs confession booth
Tamir found a gag mini confession booth at London Drugs, with curtains and seats. Press the button, it says 'tell me your sins', then 'you are forgiven'. Its booklet on confessing got him…
- Blindfolded Rubik's Cube kid
Noticing a Rubik's Cube in Tamir's studio, Colin recalls a kid in London who solves the cube blindfolded after studying it for about 30 seconds. Colin didn't ask about his background, only…
- Boxing gym with no steroids
Colin boxed as a young man in London. The man who ran his gym banned anyone on juice or steroids because they were there for vanity, not health, and told them to go to Playboy magazine…
- Everything is negotiable
At an entrepreneur wellness meetup in Squamish, everyone shared morning routines and 'non-negotiables': river dips, runs, special drinks. When his turn came, Tamir said 'everything is…
- Krishnamurti: the devil and the truth
Tamir retells Krishnamurti's parable: the devil drops the truth from his pocket and a passerby picks it up. His companion asks if he's worried; the devil says no, 'he's going to organize…
- Too honest in creative writing class
In university workshops where everyone must start with what they liked, Grant has clashed with teachers and students by calling work weak, cliché-ridden, 'awful' or 'immature', words…
- Irish American
Colin is puzzled by Americans who call themselves 'Irish American' without being born in Ireland. He reads it as people looking for something to make them feel a bit more authentic and…
Films, music and art 3
- Seinfeld
Tamir uses the sitcom to argue that even complainers can be likeable when they're authentic: you wouldn't hire any of them, but you might be friends with them or write them into a story, as…
- Eli
Colin's award-winning short film, based on a Holocaust survivor he met. As a boy in Hungary in the summer of 1944 the man was separated from his mother and little brother at Mengele's…
- I Know You
A film Colin made almost ten years ago. They invented a character, walked him through the streets of Italy and made him famous out of nothing, to show how little substance fame needs. The…
Characters 1
- Peter Riley
Protagonist of Troll, known online as 'Petrol' (inflammatory fuel with 'troll' inside it). He is terrified of an ordinary nine-to-five life and stays neutral on the issues, farming outrage…